Just another day

I got a teddy bear this weekend from my favorite person. It's actually a teddy bear made of tempur pedic material(like the beds) and is probably the softest thing ever! i named him B.B. I'm starting to adjust a lot better to him being gone. Plus, it's kind of fun to tell college stories again and wonder if i was ever like that.
i got to meet Dan's roommate this weekend who is VERY YOUNG. We were asking him about a place to eat and he was giving us some suggestions and the lowdown on all the great restaurants. He then started telling us about some of the bars and which bars we could go and not get carded. haha. we informed him that it's been nearly 5 years since we would even need to be carded. We then asked him how long it was until he turned 21. 1 1/2 years...seriously, this kid is 19 1/2!!! i can't handle it! did i also mention he drives a new cadillac STS? yeah sweet.

On another note, I was blown away last week in my job. This doesn't happen very often as I feel I have become used to seeing the bad side of society, the lowest end of the totem pole so to speak. I feel like nothing really suprises me anymore. However, last week I was taken aback by a new girl we got in. she was basically there because she had no place else to go. She was 14 and alone. Her mom didn't want her back and neither did her step-dad, who had adopted her when she was young. The girl told us she thought she was pregnant, but most every girl who comes in there thinks she is pregnant so we weren't really fretting. Every kid who comes in receives a physical and so I accompanied her to her appointment. It was confirmed there that she was pregnant. There I was, sitting in the doctor's office with this 14 year old girl, who just confirmed she was pregnant. I thought she would cry, laugh, show some emotion, but nothing. She just shook her head and when asked about who the father was, she replied, "some guy at this club whose name starts with J". Wow. While she sat there showing no emotions, it took everything i had to not cry. Here was a 14 year old girl with no family who wanted her, just found out she was pregnant, and really had no place to go. My heart went out to her and if i could have, i might have taken her home.
at our meeting, which neither of her parent's showed up to, it was explained to her that neither of her parents thought they could handle her behaviors anymore and wanted to let "someone else give it a try". Now, I have worked with A LOT of kids who have behavior issues and hers were all minor in comparison. As she heard that, she looked down and quietly whispered, " i'm not a bad kid". AGH! how do you deal with that? i affirmed her and told her she wasn't a bad kid at all.
They did find her a foster home who would take her and who would be willing to help her take care of the baby, provided she chooses to keep it. Since she is in the Children's Division custody, she does not have the option of abortion, which is great, but does have the option of adoption, which she is looking into. She was never more happy than when she learned she had a place to go, someone to take care of her, someone to be there for her.

all by myself...don't wanna be...

So today my first realization that Dan has really moved away hit me. He has only been away for almost 2 days and I have been so busy at work that i' ve barely had time to think, let alone be miserable that he is gone. However, tonight when i got home from work, my toilet got stopped up. Sure, it's really not that big of a deal to plunge a toilet but i don't like to do it because it's gross. So under normal circumstances, I would just ask Danny to do it because he's my knight in shining armor who saves me from things such as stopped up toilets.
Tonight was different though. I had to take care of the situation myself or let it sit there and keep filling up until he came up this weekend. I chose to take on the toilet myself. It didn't take much plunging and unclogged quickly. However, after I was done was when i realized that he is really gone. He is no longer here on a regular basis to help me with things like plunging the toilet, fixing my smoke detector, mowing my grass(anyone know anyone who wants to earn a little extra money and mow my grass a few more times before fall hits?! please?!) , recording CMT music for me when i'm not there.
He's only an hour and a half away and i should be grateful for that...and i am. It's just sad not having him around all the time anymore . Last night, after i worked 14 hours, i really needed a good back popping and foot rub but no such luck. i massaged my shoulder for a minute and ran my feet under the hot bath water. Neither worked as great but i guess it will have to be good enough for now... or at least until tomorrow night when i can see him again:)

college living

So today we spent our Saturday exploring various apartments in Columbia, Missouri. Since classes start for Dan on Monday, he figured he'd better get on finding a place...:) Wow, we've either been out of college too long or are just getting old. All the places we looked at today were these exciting, college living apartment complexes that come furnished, you pay an individual lease for your own room and then share the kitchen, living, etc. with 1, 2 or 3 other people. This is a new concept for me and one that Kirksville has yet to catch on to. Basically it's like a bigger, better dorm. You are surrounded by college students. These places come fully furnished and with amentities such as these: resident lounge, computer labs. free scanning, copying and printing, game room, billiards, ping pong, and air hockey, bbq grills, 24 hour fitness center(one dan looked at was voted BEST private gym in Columbia...whoa), free tanning(i am not kidding), indoor b-ball court, pool plaza, heated outdoor jacuzzi, and free DVD rental. This is only the beginning. Each bungalow is equipped with a 36 inch screen tv, full kitchen with built in microwave and dishwasher. They also pay for extended cable packages, internet, phone, and water and sewere. You are only responsible for electricity. They also provide a washer and dryer in the apartment. seriously, it's crazy. We pulled up to one of these places and we could hear the music playing from the parking lot. They were having a pool party and what looked like lots of younger kids running around. we realized it was a back to school party and the younger looking kids running around were actually college students!!!!

I don't know about all of this. It could prove to be a very interesting experience for all.. Plus! they don't allow any pets on the premises! so what the heck will i do with little tozer when i come to visit for a weekend?!

Random updates

I started my new job on Monday and I LOVE it! well, at least I think I do. i have honestly been so busy that I can barely remember what I did the past 2 days! I am adjusting well and since this is a place that I have already worked before, it is not taking too much time to learn everything! In fact, I have kind of been thrown to the wolves to fend for myself! It's kind of nice actually having some authority.
On another note, my parents just got back from the Sturgis Motorcycle rally in South Dakota. Now, I'm almost embarrassed to say that because they are in their mid 40's! which i guess is maybe the population that attends those things. You know it is bad when you don't even want to look at their "vacation pictures" because there are more pictures of topless women riding motorcycles than there are of motorcycles!!(and no, my mother is not one of those women) ahh, i love my family. Never a dull moment.
On a sad note, Dan is getting ready to leave for school. He has yet to find a place to live but also has yet to LOOK for a place to live.(i'm secretly hoping every single place in columbia will be taken and he'll have to stay here:) ) Actually, everything has fallen perfectly in place and is totally an act of God. I am incredibly happy for him because i know it's something he wants.
Switching gears. This weekend we spent some time in the Lou, visiting friends and Dan's family. I got to spend some quality time with Dan's grandpa who is an amazing fellow. He fought in WWII, lived through the depression, had 10 children, was told he would never work again due to arthrities(when he was younger and a lot of children still at home) but continued working and the arthritis got better. During our conversations, it was evident how much he loved his wife, whom he lost nearly 10 years ago. He kept talking about her in such amazing, awe filled ways. He told me a story that nearly brought me to tears and made me think how 50 years from now, i long to have a relationship like he talked about. They had their ups and downs but after nearly 50 years of marriage, he was still as much in love with her as their first year in marriage. Amazing.

Pain

I have discovered (or been discovering) that I do not handle pain well. I don't mean physical pain (although that is probably true too) but I mean emotional pain. I think I tend to disregard it, not really allow myself to feel it...why? cuz it's too painful!! I'm not sure if this is a coping mechanism or just an unhealthy way of thinking. Tonight I was watching this lady walk her dog, who was a cute basset hound puppy. It was pretty clear she was trying to teach it to walk on a leash and kept jerking it to get the dog to walk with her. It made me really sad, even though I really didn't think there was too much wrong with what she was doing. I had to turn away as I thought about how happy that puppy was to be walking along and then how possibly sad it was when it got jerked back. I think this will be a problem when i have children.
i have been fortunate to not had to experience a lot of deep, emotional pain in my life( i mean i guess, maybe i just have pushed it aside so much i can't remember it!!). However, in the social work field i work in, i encounter it everyday. I think it's a good thing to have this kind of mindset working in this field because you see the scum of society. You interact with people who do the unthinkable to their children and then some. However, even for a good little represser like me, sometimes the pain gets too much to bear. My heart literally aches sometimes for some of these kids or other people in my life who I know are experiencing pain. Sometimes I can do things to help, other times my only means of fighting for them are with prayer. I think I'm a helper because it keeps my mind off the intense pain those people are feeling. Sometimes I seriously think I will not be able to go on with this much pain and suffering in the world and cannot let myself dwell on it too long.
is there a cure for this? Should i be embracing the pain and working from there? It's not like I am not helping people or even myself, i just can't dwell on the circumstances that brought them or me to this point because the pain is too much to bear.
I am so thankful I have a Savior who bore the ultimate pain for me, who is my Comfort when I feel that all hope is lost. Who is my Hope. He is the one who is my All in All. He is the one i can cry out to when the pain is too great to bear and who will lift the burden from me. I cannot imagine going through this life without Him. I'm not sure I would make it.

Changes

So Dan found out on Monday that he got accepted into MU!!! I am soo happy for him and excited that he will continue to pursue his dream. I know he will do great and all will be well. However, this brings a little bit of scariness to mind for me. He will more than likely be moving to Columbia, as it would be kind of crazy to commute an hour and a half each day, 3 hours of driving a day. So the hunt begins to look for apts. near campus that are affordable. I am trying really hard not to be selfish and realize that this is what is best for him and something he needs to do for him. It's just difficult to go from seeing someone almost every day to maybe seeing them once a week. We did this last year when he moved to st louis for awhile. It was a good growing time for us together as well as individually but was still really hard and lonely for both of us. I am starting a new job a week from Monday so I think that will be good to provide some distraction and keep myself busy while he's gone. I think it is just going to be a whole lot of changes in a small amount of time that is scaring me. I like to have time or psychologically prepare myself, to evaluate all possible outcomes, sufficiently freak out about some, and then return to a place of sanity.:) I know all will be well but big changes are always a little bit scary.