Reflections on Work

This week at work has been a stressful one(i know, it's only Tuesday). In fact, work has been emotionally wearing on me a lot lately. I have been "taking work home" so to speak and thinking about kids and situations way past work hours. Particularly, I have been mulling over one of my kids. She is 14, 5 months pregnant and the father is way too old to be even hanging around 14 year olds. She came to us because her mom essentially wanted nothing to do with her(not just because of the pregnancy, i'm sure drugs had a factor) and her step-dad also did not want her back. I can't imagine what it would be like to be 14 and no one want you, not to mention being pregnant and alone. I just felt sad for her. I felt she just wanted someone to care. I mean, when a kid WANTS to stay at our facilty, you know they've had it rough. I feel like we went through a lot with her. I took her to all of her doctor's appointments, to a pregnancy center where she could receive help when the baby came and education before the baby came, and even got to go with her to experience her ultrasound. The experience was exhilirating for both of us. I was excited because I had never seen a real life ultrasound before, i mean with a baby inside and she was excited to see her baby and find out what she was having. I can't really explain the feelings go through me at that time when we were both looking at the machine, seeing this little life move around inside of her. It was a mixed feeling of awe, excitement, sadness, worry, joy. She left this week for a foster home. It made me really sad. I got her a baby name book to help her decide on a name for the baby boy.I hope that she is ok.
We also had another resident this week who was defiant, non-compliant, and barricaded herself in a bathroom. She had a lot of mental health problems but mostly was just acting like a brat. That is why i worked 10-11 hours yesterday. She is gone now too.
Sometimes i think i need a break from this field, from the abused kids, crappy parents, and out of control behaviors. Sometimes I think that the pain these kids have experienced in their lifetime is more than anyone should ever have to experience. Sometimes I have to ask myself if I'm really making a difference. Sometimes I just want to quit and push papers for a living.
But another part of me knows I can't. At least not now. I am drawn to these kids. I can't even begin to imagine what their life has been like, the pain they have endured but I do know how much better of a life they are capable of having. I do know if they don't have someone to show them the way, they will just keep repeating the mistakes of their fathers. I do know that I love these kids and want the very best for them, like they were my own.