An excellent wife. . .I am NOT engaged
So this weekend has been spent with a lot of soul searching and thinking about things i don't really like to think about. i was challenged again on my ideas of marriage, submission, wifeness, etc. I feel like this topic is a "hush hush" topic in Christian circles UNLESS you are engaged. You shouldn't talk about getting married, shouldn't discuss wifey things, really should try and stay as far away from it as possible lest you "lust" after the desire to be married.
So that's what I did. Sure, i thought about it some(in the secret, quiet place of my room where no one knew), explored Prov 31 in a bible study(don't worry, the focus was NOT on being Godly wives, but Godly women), gazed longingly at books on becoming an excellent wife, but always strayed away from thinking too long and hard about it for fear i would get caught up in everything.
Now, to me, really thinking about it, that seems about the most absurd thing EVER!!! okay, maybe not ever, but close. Why should i wait until i'm engaged to prepare to be a wife? i'm not saying to let it consume my whole life but why can i not really begin exmaining on what i think about staying home, what submitting to my husband looks like, am i capable of doing that in a Godly way? why shouldn't i begin examining the Prov 31 woman in the context that she is...A WIFE.
I think i would be doing a great disservice to my husband if i waited until i was engaged to even begin examing this. Why spend the first 2 years of my marriage working through these things that could and probably should have been worked through before i even met him. What happens if i examine the requirements of submission and say "heck no! that is NOT for me" but i've already made a covenant before God that it WILL be for me. that could make for one tough road, all because christian society says to not think about marriage until you have a shiny rock on your finger.
Now hear me on this; I'm not saying i should be completely focused on this, forgetting all the great things taht God has for me now while i'm single. I should not lose sight of the people, work, and study He has called me to now. I just don't think there's anything wrong with REALLY preparing for marriage before i'm actually planning my wedding.
So now i'm off to read about becoming an excellent wife!!!:)
So that's what I did. Sure, i thought about it some(in the secret, quiet place of my room where no one knew), explored Prov 31 in a bible study(don't worry, the focus was NOT on being Godly wives, but Godly women), gazed longingly at books on becoming an excellent wife, but always strayed away from thinking too long and hard about it for fear i would get caught up in everything.
Now, to me, really thinking about it, that seems about the most absurd thing EVER!!! okay, maybe not ever, but close. Why should i wait until i'm engaged to prepare to be a wife? i'm not saying to let it consume my whole life but why can i not really begin exmaining on what i think about staying home, what submitting to my husband looks like, am i capable of doing that in a Godly way? why shouldn't i begin examining the Prov 31 woman in the context that she is...A WIFE.
I think i would be doing a great disservice to my husband if i waited until i was engaged to even begin examing this. Why spend the first 2 years of my marriage working through these things that could and probably should have been worked through before i even met him. What happens if i examine the requirements of submission and say "heck no! that is NOT for me" but i've already made a covenant before God that it WILL be for me. that could make for one tough road, all because christian society says to not think about marriage until you have a shiny rock on your finger.
Now hear me on this; I'm not saying i should be completely focused on this, forgetting all the great things taht God has for me now while i'm single. I should not lose sight of the people, work, and study He has called me to now. I just don't think there's anything wrong with REALLY preparing for marriage before i'm actually planning my wedding.
So now i'm off to read about becoming an excellent wife!!!:)
posted by Sam at 8:58 PM
6 Comments:
i think it has been a no-no to talk and think about marriage before you actually get engaged because it is usually done so in a way that is romantic (not oooooh love, but romanticism) and ideal. most of the time when a girl thinks about marriage, it is about the wedding day or how much more wonderful life will be once married. none of these being healthy in heavy doses.
naturally, girls think about marriage; the thought of commitment and security are exciting and comforting. most women want to be married. we want to be loved.
there is a difference between thinking about marriage and wedding and being very intentional about who you are becoming. the title "wife" that marriage produces does not make you into a magically different person. i will be the same meg that i am. But, certainly now, even outside of a relationship, i always need to be intentional about who i am becoming....making strides to learn from current friendships and relationships with my roommates, friends, co-workers, classmates, etc. how to forgive, knowing when to apologize, learning how to ask for help. life in general prepares us to be a wife.
now...if you are in a relationship already, esp. with the person you will be spending the rest of your life with....then there is an even more specific context in which your "becoming" and learning takes place. while you are learning how to be a woman who is dilligent, loving, respectful, full of purpose, you can do that alongside someone with them specifically in mind. "how can i be more loving to billy bob?" or "in what ways do i need to communicate with billy bob" (or vice versa). i don't know if any of this makes sense. as you can tell, i have a lot of things to say......and think about and discuss......on this topic.
yeah i agree. although i do think we should be more intentional about pursuing what it really means to be an "excellent wife" because i think you are absolutely right, so many girls have this idealism about the wedding day and tehreafter that is soo not accurate and when they get into that situation they are not preapred. I think it's important, just like we wouldn't go into a job with no training and expect to be good at it. People go to seminary ro study the scriptures for years to learn how to be a good, effective minister.(thanks Kristin for that analogy!:)). I know in the books i have been reading, it definitely presents a different side of marriage and is almost depressing at times because it really gets to the hard stuff! Now, what you said about being in a relationship with someone you know you are going to spend the rest of yoru life with, aka being engaged, you can related more intentionally to them. Which i think is true to a certain extent but i think there are so many things about being an excellent wife that is applicable REGARDLESS of who you marry, even if you marry a non-christian. As a Christian woman, you have certain obligations and responsibilities that are necessary regardless of who your husband is. THink about bibilical times and even 50 years ago, mothers prepared their daughters at such an early age to become wives and mothers.
Now i think you are absolutley right that here is a danger of becomign wrapped up in the "romance" of it all but i think that is a battle we have to fight against and just because it will be a struggle, doesn't mean we shouldnt' fight it. Maybe instead of shying away from learning how to become an excellent wife BEFORE we are married for fear we'll get wrapped up in it all, we should fight the battle to NOT get wrapped up in it. And i think if we are really, honestly examining marriage in a biblical context, we won't get wrapped up in all the romance beacuse i don't think a lot of the bibilical examples and commands are "romantic".
whew...great thoughts! keep 'em coming!
what about those who will never marry? part of what i am saying is that preparing to become an "excellent wife" is synonymous with becoming an excellent woman. from my own personal experience: i have no idea what it would mean to be a "wife". i haven't been in a relationship....since high school...and that is certainly no model for becoming an excellent wife.
BUT...i can observe those who are married and those who are on their way to being married and gather a picture of what a godly woman, who is in a relationship, looks like...
i think in some respects that it is synonomous with becoming an excellent woman but also there is a difference because there will be different responsibilities as a wife than if you are not married.
i think if you are called NOT to be married, then there are different things to work on. but unless you are sure that you are not getting married, i think women should be preparing to be a wife. and it's even especially more important if you don't have a lot of relational experience or don't have a model so you can figure out what it's supposed to look like.
Just to throw my 2 cents in: First let it be know I am no woman, and second I am not married.
That being said, I don't think one's greatest ambition ought to be marriage nor do I think it is the greatest gift given by God to an individual. The single life and the married life are both gifts, and should be fostered as such. God continually emphasizes the need for His servants to be prepared for their future, often He will place them in situation to do just that--marriage is no different. Marriage will be hard, challenging, and a test of practicing just about everything you say you believe; it will also have its rewards. However, the rewards of marriage are fairly self-evident, and often men and women spend significantly too much time thinking about those, and not truly preparing themselves for the reality of the impending situation. That is not to say that while single one should focus solely on their development as a wife or husband, since that is not the only thing that needs to be developed. In fact it might be wise to not focus a majority of ones effort on the marital role; take David for example, he did not spend most of his life before becoming king reading "Royalty for Dummies", he spent most of his time learning the general truths of God, and how to live the life of a man of God. Remember thou, David was not neglected the opportunity to learn how to be king-he did spend time in Saul's court, and was best of friends with the prince of the land, which without doubt meant many of the things being taught to Jonathan found there way to David. You will find a similar example in the life of Joseph, and most any of the major Biblical characters.
For those of us who don't marry it is never a bad thing to learn some of the fundamental requirements of what a wife ought to be, though many will be the same for the unmarried woman, she should learn what other requirements a married woman has. Why might this be useful for a woman who will never be married? It is unlikely that she will not end up giving some very needed advice to a sister in Christ about marriage, and that sister's responsibility. We are all asked to be apart of a team, and any good player in any game knows the role of his or her teammates.
Women need to spend time preparing for marriage, even if you know you will be married it is still useful to understand the roles and responsibilities of a wife. It is simply foolish for women to not spend time preparing for this role, which will be a major role in their life, but much of the preparation is general preparation as how to be a women of God. And just trying to cram all of the needed learning and practice in to a yearlong engagement is just as foolish. This will be only one role that a woman must play; another major one that happens to also be gender specific is that of a mother. It is a role that needs to be prepared for long before actually becoming a mother. A good mother, as with a good wife, is first a wonderful woman of God.
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