Reflections

Today at work I was having a conversation with some of the girls and we were discussing the frustration and utter disgust we feel with some of the parents we work with. We began discussing if they know right from wrong. I cannot fathom how a parent can think it's alright to sexually abuse their child or allow someone else to do it. I cannot fathom how a parent can put their needs ahead of their child's constantly. We were sharing about people we know who have lived through similar life experiences as our clients, yet seem to live a semi-well adjusted life and certainly do not expose their children to the same things they were exposed to as children. What is the difference?
After a rather stressful meeting that ended at 5, I debriefed with Dan and discussed this very issue. The family has a long history of sexual abuse. The mom of the children i work with was one of the worse sexual abuse cases in Missouri's history. Her own mother used to take her brothers and leave the house so that her dad could sexually abuse her. Now, her own children are exhibiting sexual behaviors that are way beyond their years. The kids are all under the age of 7. There is great suspicion that there is something happening to the children or has happened to them.
As I was discussing this with Dan, I was trying to get my mind around how people can do this...and especially to children. They are so innocent and trusting, yet so impressionable. My first instinct with these parents is to go across the table at them and shake them. My second is to take these kids away from them and never let them see them again. My third is similar to my first. However, I realize that most of these parents don't know any other way.That is the conclusion I have come to. The difference between the people who turn out ok, have good families and don't subject their own children to the abue they suffered are ones who have other people in their life to look to. They might have an extended family member or an older brother or sister. Maybe it's a church member or a teacher. But they have support and a role model to look up to. If you ask any of the parents i work with, most of them will say that they NEVER want their children to experience the things they experienced and that they will NEVER subject their child to that. But they do. They do it because they know no different. I truly believe that most of them want to protect their children and raise them right but they don't know how.

I liken it to children of divorced parents. Those children are more likely to grow up and get divorced themselves, than children who were raised in a "fucntional family". I believe it's because they don't know what a good marriage is supposed to look like. The same with these parents i work with. Most of them have never had anyone show them how to be a good parent. They don't know how to protect their child because no one ever protected them or reached out to help them. Most of them are still denying their own demons.

I don't say this to make excuses for them. Their behaviors are inexcusable, unacceptable, and devastating to the children. I do say this to remind myself that their actions are not completely out of lack of love for their children. I say it to remind myself to have a sliver of compassion, not for their actions and the way they put their children in danger, but fo the life they've lived and the difficult things they've endured.
I mostly remind myself of this to keep myself from flying across the table at them.