How do you. . .?

How do you tell a child that her father no longer wants her?
How do you explain to this child that after all the hard work she has put in, he has decided that she's not worth it?
How do talk to a father who tells you that "he's done" with his child and wants nothing more to do with her?
How do you hold back tears when the girl starts to cry?
How do you remain professional when talking about her piece of crap dad and not call him every name in the book?
How do you give this girl answers when you don't have any?
How do you explain to the girl that her father has said that "she'll get over it, or she won't"?
How do you explain this to a girl who has had a relationship with her father for over 13 years, despite being in numerous foster homes?
How do you break it gently that she was right in the beginning, that he would give up, and we were all wrong to try to reunite them again?
How do you look this girl that you have come to care about like one of your own and tell her that she has to spend the next 5 years of her life in foster care?
How can you promise that you will fight for the best foster home possible when you really know it's out of your control?
How do you handle it when the girl tells you that the residential facility she has been living in for the last 6 months is more like a family to her?
How can you even begin to imagine the pain that she is going through, knowing that her father doesn't love her enough to try and make things work?

These are all the questions running through my head tonight after telling a little girl that her dad no longer wants her. I know she will have a better life, but it is still one of the hardest things I have had to ever do in my job.

Hawaii-a synopsis

We have returned from Hawaii after a very scary flight home. So I decided to summarize our trip in one of my favorite ways. . . a list.


4-number of different wildlife animals we saw in the wild. . .whales, sharks, turtles, and seals
1-movie star that was seen at Waikiki Beach (Cameron Diaz for all who are wondering)
50-minute beach massage that Katie and I received. We were like movie stars!
8 -days we were there
2-days we went surfing
3 -nights spent grilling out on Katie's "lanai" or patio for mainland residents
many-table topic discussions that were had, thanks to Katie's birthday present to me
0-marriage proposals for anyone
45-minutes it took for us to recover from sea sickness after going out in a boat to swim with sharks
8-hours it took to fly to Hawaii
2-hours a man spent collapsed on the floor of our plane after passing out on the way home.
2-oxygen tanks the stewardess and doctor went through with him
25-minutes we were in turbulence so bad I literally thought we were dying
100-times Dan told me to calm down, get a hold of myself, and pray
5-hours behind in time that Hawaii is to Missouri
1256-pm, time it is right now that I am still awake
756pm-time my body thinks it is because it's still on Hawaii time
700-times I thought about not coming back and just finding a job out there
18-comments i received at work today about how tan I was
1-real coconut I sent back to the kids through the mail
0-people who could identify it was a coconut
20-people at work who need to get out more and know what a coconut is
930-latest time we went to bed while in Hawaii
2-times we ate at Maui Tacos..mmmm.
500-minutes spent analyzing boys, with a boys input
1-number from a friend who lives in hawaii that i had accidentally deleted from my phone book so couldn't get in touch with her :(
countless-times we were guided by the motto"follow the sun"
priceless-the many memories we have from that trip



*If anyone would like to see pics from the trip (which include, sharks, seals, surfing, beautiful scenery, etc) email me at smorefield@gmail.com and I'll send you a link to them.

Off the Beaten Path

(Insert really pretty picture of Missouri farmland that I couldn't get to load)

This evening, the weather was soo nice and I just wanted to get out of the house and drive around with my windows rolled down and my radio turned up. I really had no particular place to go, no agenda in mind, I was just content and starting to feel the heavy load that has been on my shoulders at work slowly lifting away. I remember as i was driving around that I wanted to read a book I had read about in a magazine while at the dentist's office so I detoured my car to Hastings to find the book. I love bookstores. I could spend hours upon hours looking around. When i first walked in, i immediately saw the book on the front shelf, in a hardback with all the other new releases. Crap. it means it will be really expensive so i longingly read the inside cover of the book, threw a disgusted look at the $25.00 price tag and placed it back on the shelf and continued my journey deeper into the bookstore, now just wandering aimlessly. I saw books on Hawaii travel, history books, baby books, and Christian romance novels. I was a little embarrassed looking in the self-help section, although I'm not sure why. I was actually looking for books for some of my parents at the facility. So anyways, I'm wondering around the bookstore, on my way out when i come across the kiosk with books about Missouri and traveling Missouri. I found one called Off the Beaten Path-Missouri and as I got to looking at it, got more and more excited. I was suddenly struck with a great idea for Dan and I. Lately the distance has been weighing on us both, with me being really stressed out at work and him being ready to be finished with school, it has been difficult not being able to be around each other. SO i got this brilliant idea when I saw this book that Dan and I could take a Saturday or Sunday every three weeks between me being on call and him studying, we could choose a random place in the book and go on a mini daytrip to explore the inner workings of Missouri. I bet you never knew there was a half-scale replica of Stonehenge, complete with an Anasazi solar calendar. Needless to say, Dan was ecstatic. He is always trying to get me to be more adventurous and spontaneous! We are going to alternate picking a place out of the book and begin to explore Missouri. I think my first stop will be the Union Covered Bridge, near Paris Missouri. It's theonly Burr-arch covered bridge left in the state. It's 125 ft long and 17 1/2 foot whide bridge built in 1871. It sounds like a good place to pack a picinic and stop at an Amish home on the way back for some homemade cinnamon rolls.

Who do I think I am?

These little aliens are a good representation of how I have been feeling lately. The last 3 weeks at work have been incredibly stressful. I got my first fever blister, that I'm fairly certain was brought on by stress. I have big lumps in my throat and around my jaw line, which I think is the beginning of a sickness. I have been constantly exhausted at the end of the day, mentally and physically, and I have cried at the thought of going back to work the next morning. In the last 3 weeks, I'm not sure I have worked a week less than 50 hours. I feel bad for wanting to go home at 7pm when I've been there since 8 or 9 that morning. I dont' want to feel bad about that. It's not that I really have a life, I just don't want to be at work that much. I knew this was a danger when i took this job, getting sucked in to working all the time. As I write this, it's 5:25am and I am on call this weekend and scheduled to work 16 hours this weekend, hence me working overnight. I feel like God has really been challenging me a lot lately and using them to get me thinking. Over and over again I have wondered if I made the right decision, taking this job because honestly I have not enjoyed it as much as I thought I would. I have asked myself over and over again if I maybe made a mistake in what I thought God was telling me about this job. However, while I have not come to any final conclusions about that, I do feel God has been challenging me with this: just because things are going great and just because I am not happy, that doesn't necessarily mean that God didn't want me here. I think we equate making the "right" decisions with how we feel. If it makes us feel good, well then it must have been right. It we feel sad or bad about it, then it had to be wrong or we must've mis heard what God was telling us. I think this is a mindset I need to get over and get over quickly. I'm not entirely sure who I think I am, thinking that I deserve to live an untouched, safe, happy life-never being pushed or moved out of my comfort zone. It's kind of like that song we used to sing in youth group, Refiner's Fire. If I can't take the heat or am unwilling to get uncomfortable and take it, I can't be refined, I can't be made better.

I'm not saying some things don't need to change about my work hours or the amount of work I am taking on, but I think my attitude does need to change about why I'm here and I really need to look at my purpose for being where i'm at right now.